I'll show you hurricanes

i like today because of...

2009-07-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

sushi. a bouncing baby who smiles when she sees me. my people who love me, want me to do well, and give me tips on mi sayings. friends who make choices to be happy and not because they feel like they have to. those friends who call me just because they need a voice on the end of the line. phone calls to someone who could mean something more than i expected. pop songs that mean something. and love.

as i am

2008-04-29T11:50:00.001-07:00

strength.tired and done.new yorker.seeking, yet found.ever-present.researcher.novice in much, but becoming an expert.big sister.creative cook.true though reluctant postmodern pilgrim (still?).retrospective.a sultry cadence.complication and simplicity.vibrant.historical.soft.ordinary and fantastic.southern yankee.a sexy stiletto.a calm cup of coffee.cougarita.behaved.lovely.growing and learning.more than ever.speaker of snarky sayings.photographer.friend.loyal.fast moving east coaster.funny.italian.signal and noise.fierce.

Birthday and Post-Lenten revival

2008-03-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

crazy one night life decisions
hot cougar behavior
light pink Giada nails

Only in Miami, maybe in El Paso
beach, sun, and water
therapy
tan Italian skin
dessert orgies

pleasant dates with normal people
cute trip invites
reminders of who i want to be
a healthy post-lenten dose of firefighters
being sauce-y
birthdaylove that includes manolos, vs beachwear, cake, and coffee
happiness, just pure happiness

I gave them up for Lent.

2008-02-07T21:22:00.000-08:00

at starbucks tonite there was this gorgeous boy there--like on par with pretty pablo gorgeous--and i eyed him and he did me (but probably only cause i was) and when i got up to leave we smiled at each other and i could have been charged with molestation if i hadn't behaved myself

anyways

i adored him

and then the moneyed old guy (who owns 3 businesses across the world) comes in and since its uber busy, sits down at my table

whatever. fine.

tells me im lovely again.
whatever--he was fine--

but then i realized that i probably have more in common with money-ed old guy than i do pretty pablo's clone.
and then i got sad.
dating is seriously kicking my ass right now.

and the ff's were out in full force in their rescues and ladders. and I gave them up for Lent. A little respect wouldn't be unreasonable. Could everyone in the ELP just not have chest pains or start fires for the next 30 days?

because tyler perry is brilliant.

2007-12-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqDU6CPwy6Q

ciara & west side

2007-11-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

"Pull up your pants
(Just Like Em')
Take out the trash
(Just Like Em')
You can dig cash like em'
Fast like em'
Girl you outta act like ya dig
(What I'm talkin' bout')
Security codes on everything
Vibrate so your phone don't ever ring
(Joint Account)
And another one he don't know about

[Hook]
Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corna roll'n
Do'n my own thing...."

"Boy, boy, crazy boy!
Stay loose, boy!
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.
Turn off the juice, boy!"

tryin' that with the sheriff...

wise woman...

2007-11-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

"I should know by now that we don’t have it easy: life doesn’t factor load the way you expect it to, you can’t ever escape a 4 way interaction, and somehow there’s always noise in the experiment."

and while we always learn...somehow we STILL wish we could exert the kind of control we have in an experimental paradigm over the unavoidable and real-life field study. Would the debate between behaviorists and cognitive scientists have come about any other way?

jill scott

2007-11-10T18:01:00.001-08:00

"For something better
For something bigger
For something wider
For something higher
And lots of regrets
Cause I ain't seem to found it yet
I've been searching around the world
Never knowing what to expect
I get sad sometimes
Yes I be mad sometimes
Cause I'm out here on the grind
Making mine
And I still can't seem to find
What I've been looking for
Opened so many doors
For real,yo
I just wanna be loved..."

Fierce.

2007-11-06T13:18:00.000-08:00

I have no other Choice
tonight
Fuck.

can't it ever be easy?
i just want to wake up and let him take it
but this isn't that

could be an optimist and
making too much of a mountain
but at the risk of feeling slightly delusional?
trust in yourself.

the opposite of delicate

2007-11-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

waiting and honestly liking it
excitement
the possibilities this weekend holds

being bored at work
not beneficial
tiring

happiness
beyond one or two things
but as a whole

warnings

2007-10-16T21:15:00.001-07:00

signal lights "signal" you're turning
they are not "turning" lights to be activated as your turning
names indicate the purpose

confirmation bias occurs in life as it does in the lab
FF bias is just as strong as investigator bias
i go into the interrogation with the belief I'll like the ff and look for evidence to confirm it
a purpose of psychology is to alert people to our biases

if you're gonna keep looking at my profile
email me
even if it didn't work out before
like i said, i've got a bias towards legal/first responder personel.

requirements

2007-10-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

a well-developed body like my well-developed vocabulary
attractive like my future job prospects
smart like my fashion sense

thats not asking too much.

Wake up in your T-Shirt...

2007-09-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

my t-shirt needs to be "I Heart Po-Po" tonight
cause seriously I'm deprived and so need to go out.
red dress

searching for tom ford
not freaking out
making peace with gold jewlery

natural thirds
dating the entire city (hot ones are taken)
if he's a construction worker that lives downstairs, can he still be the pool boy fantasy?

Hummer

2007-09-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

i've got to be nicer to myself
cognitive behavioral therapy
no more negatives

cause i am beautiful

new goal
saying hi to one attractive man
makes me smile

Against my southern politeness

2007-09-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

I just dont think telling me that you ask your soccer girls to tell you if they are on their period so that you don't run them
to the point of cramps is
polite conversation

the nanny diaries
new york accent on
a hot actor
wearing a yankees hat

stellar
brilliant turquois glasses
the weekend

Miss Scarlett

2007-09-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

"God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

"Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar." ('cept i think it'd be 'doll')

In need of being a little scarlett
fire
french manicures
back to school or work or whatever
hopefully some tylenol cold pm.

lord its gotta get better...

2007-08-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

damn. if you wanna sweep a girl off her feet, use this line "well i was going though and you caught my attention ... not sure why but hey everything is worth a try"
makes me feel special.

baseball and fireworks.

M and peacock.

its not that bad...

2007-08-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

ok. so maybe i don't hate the men of match as much as i did this morning.
but still slow

i gave someone a taste bud orgasm
:cD
could it get any better?

well yes, but not under these conditions.

iron jess

2007-08-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

i can't even watch iron chef cause they're cooking wild boar
still waiting for extinction
i swear the epfd has a gps on me

raspberry and cream frozen treats
cooking for me
and for some friends tomorrow
"cooking and cleating"

gettin' all cleaned up and working out
nice buns
BITTEN
baby phat jeans again hehe
trying to sit through my boredom, sadness, and missings

i said no, no, no

2007-08-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

boy i'm glad i don't drunk dial

missing having a man around
sleeping with my pretend fbi agent again

at least i'll sleep well

because you never know where life is gonna take you...

2007-08-05T08:01:00.001-07:00

and you can't change where you've been
starting over again.
crying and hurting despite
knowing i did what was best
missing someone special

working out and loving every minute
watching "daddy's little girls"
that sermon will keep me going

trying to re-group
planning each day as it comes
cooking for my girls
and me.

summer in the city

2007-07-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

multiple "you kinda do have someone special"s
an almost complete good job
starbucks mornings

the soon to be sushi dinner
missing people
and not having to miss people
the possibility of long lost friends

returning.
being proud of myself
running
and wanting to run.

normal according to mom

2007-07-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

trying to learn that i can't curl up into a spider ball
that everything is okay according to mom
and somedays are going to be a little crazy
but allowing trust in

texts from the beach at san diego
getting asked out at starbucks
and turning the offer down

"I exist more now than I did four months ago" -Elizabeth Gilbert.
I should trust myself more now than I did four months ago.
I should trust.

uncertainty

2007-07-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

i don't like it.
at all.
trying to find out where i stand

and seeking to balance myself
in a week where nothing seems settled
asking god, india, and eat, pray, love for help

and so we will see
what life chooses to bring me
and i pray that i can go with it
even though i know ill be ok. its still scary.

words to live by...

2007-07-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time. Not the 29th time! That is particularly good when it comes to men situations because when he doesn't call back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when you see someone who shows you a lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that that will be followed by many, many, many other times that will at some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time. Live your life from truth and you will survive everything, everything, I believe even death. You will survive everything if you can live your life from the point of view of truth. That took me a while to get, pretending to be something I wasn't, wanting to be somebody I couldn't, but understanding deep inside myself when I was willing to listen, that my own truth and only my own truth could set me free.

Turn your wounds into wisdom. You will be wounded many times in your life. You'll make mistakes. Some people will call them failures but I have learned that failure is really God's way of saying, "Excuse me, you're moving in the wrong direction." It's just an experience, just an experience.

-Oprah's graduation speech

what other choice is there?

2007-07-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

starbucks
meeting new people
childhood movies

exhibitionist
planning to go to the museum
being an adult

or trying to
rereading eat pray love
getting ahead on lectures

I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended in ecstacy

2007-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

italian vocabulary
mi chiamo professoressa Jess
starbucks and naps

building my strength
teaching every morning
seeing improvements too

sigh.
talking about my dissertation
wondering if I can last 2 more years
a summer at its midpoint

the day before

2007-06-24T14:17:00.001-07:00

and i am anxious.

"I wanna go where the mountains are high enough to echo my song
I wanna go where the rivers run deep enough to drown my shame
I wanna go where the stars shine bright enough to show me the way
I wanna go where the wind calls my name
The wind is calling India India India"

I could be violet sky...

2007-06-22T18:25:00.000-07:00

wondering what the answer is
and scared that i might not like it
but more that i don't have a response

rediscovering motown
being ok with sad songs
or maybe not quite all of them

being super excited about teaching law as a social drama
can we say tidewater virginia, class?
and a holy crap I'm teaching on Monday at 7am!

I - can turn a grey sky blue...

2007-06-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

Not being crazy
sleep
being sexy

morning wake up calls
evening good night ones as well
and all day conversations

cooking dinner slowly getting it back
wine with a friend
laughter.

quote from the Times

2007-06-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

"why do tough, independent-minded women who know they’re smarter than the men around them still end up needing those losers, thus engineering their own disappointment?"

I am me, the universe and U

2007-06-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

little league baseball games
even if they were the red soxs
laughter and beds
weighty moments

working out
sore muscles
wanting to go again

writing lectures
potential
new dresses meaning soon to see family

shape

2007-06-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

wanting to work out
antibiotics are my heros
cheesy fbi thriller novels

manhattan the kitty
yankees at .500
dammit....firefighters.

chatting with my parents
proofing my first publication
my couch.

well hell...

2007-06-08T09:04:00.001-07:00

it's a damn good thing i like firefighters
plural
hehe

off to phoenix
baseball
driving

wondering
whats up
ill find out soon

crack up, flip, flip out, go bananas, go insane, go nuts, lose one's marbles, lose one's reason, lose one's senses, lose one's wits

2007-06-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

losin MA mind.
letting go.
holding on...just a little today.

trying to take care
on fire.
baba ghanoush

remembering that matoaka means pocahontas
working out
terrified.

long-term action potentiating

2007-06-04T20:10:00.000-07:00

learning you have grown into something new and something you deserve
recognition of strength and power
knowing what you want and what you are willing to accept
learning you have LEARNED

"i've got my philosophy"

dinner with a friend
obtaining a writing buddy-- 10:35 at starbucks!
why do i write:
because i deserve to BE great
and i deserve amazing opportunites
and i can achieve them when i write

a weekend

2007-06-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

my Les getting married
lovely friends at a lovely wedding
catching bouquet residuals

recovering
in so many ways
finishing eat pray love and knowing
that i can go back to it any time

my couch
drugs
in thirds

confirmed a cold

2007-06-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

george strait
lunch with the blushing bachelorette, friends, and her family
hearts of palm on a patio covered by trees and umbrellies

my bed
and waking up to messages
giving myself permission to stay home
a little fear

And my Dad's 57 years of life.

Antici.......pation!

2007-05-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Precious emails ;c)

an almost finished context paper
coffee as the protector from crappy parking situations
daily phone calls just to check in
unexpected but nice calls
subway and the chicken bacon ranch wrap

eat pray love.
and looking forward to it every night.
which last night brought the thought that I will actually re-read this book.

Some kind of tired

2007-05-28T20:38:00.001-07:00

And hopefully not a lust-hormone overcome by benedryl induced sleep
slowly detoxing

my girlfriends ala Carrie before Paris dinner
true love

jack johnson helping the withdrawl
very early 90s drug commercials...
this is your brain...and this is your brain on firefighters (the cracked out unhealthy egg portion)

One word...

2007-05-27T22:27:00.000-07:00

Firefighters.

starbucks therapy
an offer from a "surrogate george clooney"
giada and cooking
(i guess i should admit to it) nascar
and being able to say that tonight was absolutely 110% worth having to deal with last night

We don't get to choose

2007-05-26T21:25:00.001-07:00

what emotions we have and when we have them.
and so tonight
i hurt.
and i pray
and i love myself
and i wrap all the warm golden energy around me
so that when i hurt again, i will have taken care of myself
and i can be stronger to endure it the next time

book therapy

2007-05-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

my new weekend ritual of Barnes & Noble
throwing on my dress just cause
cooking...really cooking
food network
you know i done gone and cleaned
looking good
being a grown ass woman

I'm lastin 20 rounds and if you want me...

2007-05-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

Come and get me now.
sweetness
working out and actually liking it
and hearing "sweet dreams"
missy elliot
beyonce

"But I'm not hearing you, you might as well be mumbling
See, I have dreams, and with a man, what will become of them?
There's not a kid out here who can make me believe
I should postpone my goals, he got tricks up his sleeve?
Whole bar full of cuffs and you ain't locking me down"

strong women...India.
finding my data again.

Addendum

2007-05-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Seriously
Vintage Andy Pettite is such a
turnon.

And Classic Mo
not too bad either.

Pettite in Pinstripes

2007-05-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

Andy Pettite....
have you seen that stare down, or the man's legs...thank you GOD for ESPN coverage when that man is pitching
Horrible data analysis...but I give thanks that I'm actually doing it
calls from the redhead
calls to my third baseman
raspberry latte that reminds me of my college days
old school (well ok not really but it is for me) rap
and jesus I gotta say it again
ANDY PETTITE

Heal and Grow and Recreate and Raise and Nuture

2007-05-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Talking with Dana all day
Men and Sexy Boys and Men
Sushi
giddiness and dancing around my apartment
Starting over.
the possibility of my super cool cousin coming to stay
commercials for the Starter Wife

And so it goes...

2007-05-21T17:20:00.000-07:00

my brilliant moment resulting in finding jury duty was cancelled
my grill pan and cooking (somewhat) again
parents having fun in florida
coffee and raspberry syrup
men or boys or men
my Yankees

In defense

2007-05-09T17:23:00.001-07:00

Uh HUH. That's right....its MASTER Jess to you!

Saving grace

2007-04-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

Phone call from Dana (not sober), her boys yelling in the background, the debate over whether I'm technically in the room, and both her boys singing. to me.

Love in Bed

2006-11-15T11:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing better than…
Turning over in bed to find a single rose on my nightstand
Finding my boyfriend in the kitchen cooking
Pumpkin Pancakes for me
And our last morning together before he leaves on a trip

Framed

2006-09-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

We're in a frame
that means something
don't you think?

Ciao Bella

2006-07-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

Italian soccer players
winning the world cup
and taking their pants off.

Bellissimo.

happy

2006-06-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Simulatenous pancake cravings
rediscovering a white t-shirt
the freedom of a weekend
sneaker shopping with my puma
"guuuurrrrr I'm a panthuuurrr"
laughing
bbq with a lover and a best friend
speaking redneck
moscato di asti.

Crisis

2006-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Gay marriage is the biggest threat to America.

Right.

What about Jerry Buck Inman, a repeat sex offender among which included kidnapping and rape, who viciously murdered a Clemson University college student? We can’t keep the most dangerous criminals away from our most precious resources?

Or have we forgotten about the exploding obesity epidemic, which affects approximately 127 million adults in the U.S. are overweight, 60 million obese, and 9 million severely obese? According to the American Obesity Association, obesity and being overweight, and severe obesity is more prevalent in woman than in men, and the prevalence is higher in Mexican-Americans and Hispanics than Non-Hispanic Whites. And we aren’t worried about the fabric of America busting apart at our seams?

Maybe the issue of uncontrolled and unprotected borders. Maybe.

What about the slaughter of 12 innocent Iraqis at Haditha? Our Marines are off killing the helpless victims of an unjust war, unarmed women and children included. Yet this is not the biggest threat to our concept of justice, freedom, and democracy?

Or the HIV/AIDS crisis in America? Still fighting the stigma attached to such a devastating disease (while it has moved viciously into heterosexuals again and with a vengeance), still fighting those who are trying to find a cure, still fighting those who want abstinence-only education (instead of giving our young adults accurate information about STIs and HIV/AIDS, and telling them that safe sex is not only something they should feel okay asking for, but something that they deserve!).

How about the heterosexual divorce rate?

Or the fact that the federal government has not appropriately responded to Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans and other places in the Gulf are not even close to being rebuilt and reinforced, and we have another hurricane season on our hands?

How about our homeless and poor?

Bush telling immigrants to learn English….what happened to "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door." I wish my immigrant family had taught me our native tongue.

And we’re worried about Gay Marriage. You’ve got to be kidding me.

sitting

2006-03-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

"I've stood alone in New York City
I've watched the sunset in L.A.
I ride for miles and miles and end up getting nowhere
But I've never felt this way"

Understanding

2006-02-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

There is inherent beauty in the silence of being. Of being me. And when we try to capture the essence of something, there is a loss in the translation. So how does one achieve understanding of what we are: fully, unequivocally, and with meaning? I’ve been seeking understanding of any number of things: illness, family, love and loss, and most importantly myself. What is understanding?

According to the OED is it:
a. (Without article.) Power or ability to understand; intellect, intelligence. d. Mind, purpose, intent. Obs. rare. 2. The intellectual faculty as manifested in a particular person or set of persons. . a. Signification, meaning, sense. Obs. b. Comprehension of something. rare. 6. slang or colloq. a. pl. Foot-wear; boots or shoes.

I’d prefer to think that I’d merely look to my shoes to find the understanding I was looking for. But sadly, I think they’d fail me.

But maybe foot-wear isn’t a terrible place to start. After all, they have a story of where one has traveled. Depending on which pair you talk to, they’d say I was a tanned beach goddess, an incorrigible flirt, notorious dancing queen, beautiful dreamer, polished academic, and a restless journey. I supposed they’d have more to say, but you’d have to ask. The bronze stilettos are particularly loquacious. But does this give us understanding?

I’m reminded of Harry Potter when I’m soaking my unknown self in a bubbly tub. If understanding were just as easy as putting the golden egg under water, I’d have soaked it all away. Instead I’ve been working with energy points and repeated mantras as a way to understanding. I am, somewhat understanding. But there is much more to do.

There are things that remind me I am on that quest. Musings written by a boy with wanderlust remind me that my songs are both limited and infinite, losing unsavory men remind me that there is a greater dance to be performed, letting go to the beat of another reminds me of movement, learning of my capacity as a muse reminds me that there is inherent beauty in the world and in me, certain dramas rouse feelings which remind me that I’m alive. And I like feeling alive. It feels good to feel alive. Perhaps that is the key to understanding. Whatever it may be.

In times like these...

2006-01-21T21:57:00.000-08:00

"We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe and save from devestation our brains"

After being called an artist in reference to my food...

"We'll pack up all our junk and fly so far away. devote ourselves to projects that sail. We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe, forget this cold bohemian hell."

Lucidity

2005-12-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it just happens.

"I think they meant it
When they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease you are, my love,
On life - be my life"

Signals and Noise

2005-11-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

I’ve been getting signs. It’s really starting to make me wonder if someone is trying to tell me something. Really loudly. I think that getting sick was a big ass one that made me realize I needed to take care of myself a whole lot more than I was. But these other ones, like I said, someone’s trying to tell me something loudly. Like JESSICA! Much like the Bill Cosby “Noah” skit we used to listen to on the way to Florida--it was my favorite. And now, 13 years later, I think I’m Noah.

You see Noah was in his rec. room. Sewing away, he was making a few things for the home there. He was a good carpenter
Whoompa, whoompa, whoompa, whoompa
Noah!
Somebody call?
Whoompa, whoompa, whoompa
Noah!
Who is that?
It's the Lord, Noah
Right!

Where are ja?
What you want? I've been good.
I want you to build an Ark
Right!
What’s an Ark?
Get some wood build it
300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits
Right!

It started a while ago…with Strbk#1 telling me how much he loved California. It sounds great to me. Then, it was my advisor…”Jess where do you see yourself?” “Um, east of the Mississippi and south of the Mason-Dixon.” “What about the West Coast?” “Hah! No.” “Jess you should think about it and keep your options open.” Then it was Sb#1 asking me on Friday where I was going to go after I finished school here. “I dunno…wherever I get a job.” “California is really nice. Los Angeles and San Francisco are great.” Then Sunday nite, Strbk#1’s sister and I are like best-friends forevah. She lives in San Fran. Ha. She comes up with all these super cute facts about the place…the bakery where sourdough bread was born, the fabulous clam chowder, the laid-back and liberal nature, the only moving national historical treasure in the US. “You really need to visit. I think you’d like it. You can even stay with me!”

And then there’s this. My paradigm shifting started back in the MIA with someone asking me, “Did you ever consider that this move isn’t about your advisor picking up and leaving for his job, but that he’s moving because YOU are meant to be there?’ WHOA. And “I think you’re going to meet The One out there.” Ha. El Paso. Right. Brooke and I were talking about our single lives at dinner the other night and she says, “I think you’re gonna find The One out here in ELP and wouldn’t that just be funny.” Um (nervously) ha heard that one before. That night I head over while my Strbk#1 is recording a song…in which the main message in the chorus is “you were meant to be here from the beginning.”

Who is this really? What's going on?
How come you want me to do all these weird things?
I'm going to destroy the world
Right!
Am I on Candid Camera?

I know those people who believe in “signs from God” or “everything happens for a reason” or whatever popular phrase you want to give it. I’m too much of an agnostic to buy into that fully…but I gotta say, statistically speaking these could be just mere coincidences…but shit. This is just too much clustered too tightly together for me. I’m marrying someone in El Paso and moving to California. Buy your plane tickets now.

Really though. In statistics we talk about signal detection theory. Here’s an example: You present a “beep” (signal) or nothing at all (noise) to a participant. On 200 trials, ½ have the signal present, the other half have nothing. A participant can make one of four responses on each trial:
Hit: said there was a signal when there was a signal
Miss: said there was no signal when there was a signal
False Alarm: said there was a signal when there was no signal
Correct Rejection: said no signal when there was no signal
You can then take those, and by some fancy mathematics, come up with A’ and Beta. A’ is a measure of discrimination accuracy, so how well can you discriminate the signal from the noise. Beta is a measure of response criterion, so do you have a bias to say yes or to say no.

Well, when is this stuff a signal and when is it just noise? And when do I decide if information is discriminating? I don’t have an answer, but let me tell you, I set a pretty conservative response criterion and I’m not likely to say yes. But everything has me a-thinkin.

I tell you I've had enough of this stuff! I tell you what I'm gonna do--I'm letting all these animals out! And I'm gonna burn down this Ark! And I'm going to Florida somewhere
'Cause you haven't done nothin'. I'm sick and tired of all this mess. You foolin' around
And you haven't done nothing!

And you got it rainin'. It's not a shower is it? Ok Lord me and you right
'Cause I knew it all the time.

Plane

2005-11-30T17:59:00.000-08:00

"Drink because you’re looking so good in your Starbucks cup"

Composition

2005-11-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have to sit back and ask myself the eternal question: What do I want in my life? Let’s do a free write exercise and see what comes out.

To be vitally important to someone other than my cat.
The beach.
Agnosticism and Faith.
Originality.
Some measure of stability.
History.
Complication and simplicity.
Music.
The kind of love that makes your insides meld into another person, and theirs into yours.
Spontaneity…the serious loss of premeditation.
Family.
Shadows and lucidity.
Shakespeare.

Be glad you missed the Barney sing-a-long in Starbucks just now.

Analysis of Variance

2005-10-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

“And so it is. Just as you said it would be.”

The move to El Paso has been easier. As a stronger woman, as a wiser person, as a more open human. But it leads me to this rather frightening yet perhaps practical perspective that life repeats itself. From a training perspective, practice makes perfect, and perfect an expert almost makes. From the expertise literature, experts are able to process information and respond at such a level that seems almost effortless. But from the human perspective, how much of life are we willing to put on replay before it becomes the frightening idea that “history is repeating itself”?

I practiced making this move…across the country…4 times now (in 5 years). That doesn’t bode well for the next 5 years…as the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Expert, hardly. Tired, most assuredly. Perhaps a more important question is, have I learned anything from move to move? Undoubtedly. I’ve learned that I can do it, that I’m not going to break, that boxes and packing peanuts are the devil’s gift to movers. But I’ve also learned that there is a never-ending conflict between restlessness and rooting fought between the traveler and the homebody who both co-exist in one’s soul. It is this conflict that leads some to return to where they feel they should be and yet drives others to seek novelty wherever it may exist. There is no right or wrong choice, but a choice nonetheless; one which may drive some to excellence and others to eternal novice status. The rub is that each can produce either, and that’s where chance comes in.

Or does it. I was asked recently if I believed in some sort of an ultimate being. Wow. That’s a hell of a question to ask on a first date (I don’t know if it was better or worse than the marriage question.). After a tentative “yes,” he responded, “perhaps chance is too easy of an answer.” Um I’ve had a few drinks, please don’t make me think of such things…let me be sober and fully clothed when I answer that later. [Note: I’m sober and fully clothed and under the effects of caffeine.] Any numbers of things are based on chance and random variation. In statistics its rare we can account for any one variable/personality characteristic/etc. to make up for any more than ten percent of the variance in an outcome. What happened to the other ninety percent? Where the hell did that come from? Chance? Something we’re so not looking at? And so we find there is no easy answer. Is it ever that we’re really lucky (and this implicating chance)? Or was this a planned manipulation resulting in the systematic variation of our life.

And so not only has history repeated itself with respect to my varying geographical location, but my studying behavior has as well. I find myself again and again in Starbucks, and while the specific place may change, the outcome does not. Perhaps it is highly adaptive behavior, the result of chance (who’d have thought that in a loud coffee house I’d do my best work?), but turned into a systematic outcome. Adaptive not only in the sense that I accomplish work I set out to finish in the setting, but I have this uncanny ability to attract the fancy of many a barista (does it become “o” as it should for a masculine noun in Spanish?) while there. Yes, the men of Starbucks have once again fallen prey to the phenomenon. When I was told that I could always have a second chance with someone, little did I know it was generalizable to others like him. And this time I’m open to the possibility that we may not be in the same place in our lives, that he’s not the typical person people would put me with. He’s incredibly creative and presumably talented, a deep thinker, outgoing personality, young (ah!), and undeniably sexy. My only question is, can I get Tiffany’s on a Starbucks salary? Well, and can I actually open myself up to him and get one in the bag (or bed, however you look at it) this time? History repeating itself.

Sometimes I like to see life as this infinite connection of circles. Perhaps it’s an artifact of too much ANOVA analysis, or (as many would preferably like to think about it) a mental picture of John Mayer’s “that’s the way this wheel keeps turning now.” They intersect at specific point and come full circle to connect to itself. And one event shares some of the variance of another and those two events or months share some of the variance for this or that relationship. And perhaps the rest is chance. Or something else we’re not looking at.
[Insert Venn Diagram Here]
I probably should have done a path analysis. But then you would have cried.

Run

2005-09-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

"Run girl, Im trynna get your body wet Work that, lemme see you drip sweat"

The story of my life. Well, not really in the way DB means it. Cause I couldn't complain about that. Instead, its like I've got the Workout Nazi following me around yelling RUN! SWEAT! But really it's the work nazi, and i don't run, i write. there's no sweat involved either. or fun. actually its nothing at all like the song. its much more laboriously hideous than that. if only i could lose weight with the amount of scholarly work i do. just call me J.Ma baby.

vince vaughn thinks im hot.

i bought bronze stilettos.

and betty crocker is my biatch.

great

2005-09-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9368918/

another reason to remind us single, career seeking women that we cant have it all.

thanks for making my night.

to say before falling asleep

2005-09-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

would like to sing someone to sleep,
have someone to sit by and be with.
I would like to cradle you and softly sing,
be your companion while you sleep or wake.
I would like to be the only person
in the house who knew: the night outside was cold.
And would like to listen to you
and outside to the world and to the woods.

The clocks are striking, calling to eachother,
and one can see right to the edge of time.
Outside the house a strange man is afoot
and a strange dog barks, wakened from his sleep.
Beyond that there is silence.

My eyes rest upon your face wide-open;
and they hold you gently, letting you go
when something in the dark begins to move.
-Rilke

Dream Deferred

2005-08-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

Are we concerned that the faces of anguish and desperation
On rooftops, in apartment buildings, sleeping on highways
Wary from the walk, surviving the rising tide
Tired feet, sore bodies, hungry children
Walking to a promised land
Of sorts
Are we concerned that the faces of the nameless and homeless,
On television 24/7 or the hundreds of thousands still trapped
Susceptible to the devastating disease one never feared in
AMERICA
Walking to a land of broken promises,
Are those of our beautiful ebony brothers and sisters?

"I want to go to Canaan,
I want to go to Canaan,
I want to go to Canaan,
To meet 'em at de comin' day.
O, remember, let me go to Canaan”

The Superdome. Is that today’s Canaan?
My dear, I must complain about gas prices again!
Trying to get food anywhere, cause you haven’t eat nothin’ in days.
My dear, arrest those looters!
Baby, I lost everything. You did too. Think you’re gonna set up shop again in a few days.
Set up again, honey. My ass. Call ME a looter again.
Baby, what can I do? Show me your humanity. Give my children food as you do your own. Pray for me as you do yourself. Make love to your man, lay with him after and remind me what it feels like to be human. Cause right now, I’m not. They says that some souls have passed since the storm and others have come into this world since the wind done gone. I suppose that’s right. We gotta keep on livin, Don’t have much choice.

Among those which were not real

2005-08-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

It is irreverent to write about her life after deconstructing the social structure of Miami. That evening, she went to the bar and watched my Yankees and engaged in mutual seduction afterwards. Thus began the beginning of debauchery at the end of her time in Miami. The source of her tears as she sat on a plane as a woman who knew what she was leaving. Friends. Lovers. Heat. But with knowledge that she survived, grew, befriended, and finally loved. And her Cat. Fully in possession of herself as a woman. And she thanked Miami for that.

“Among those which were not real”

I miss the way my breasts and hips were worshiped.
The tropical breeze fluttering among lithe palms,
A sultry cadence of voices from the Americas
Mixed among African beats and writhing bodies.
The frenzied calm of Kendall, the Neon Lincoln Road, and Deco of Ocean Drive
Among the pristine key beaches and the salacious south beach.
The spicy rays of sunshine beam through an afternoon shower
While we sipped martinis
Relaxed in the still of the pool
Curled in the crevices of each other
Undressed
Unfurled
Uncovered
Unadulterated
I miss the way my breasts and hips were worshiped.

Tiramisu

2005-08-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

"It is said that during the Renaissance periods, Venetian women made these to be shared with their men during the late hours because they believed it would give them the energy to make more vigorous love later."

I love the sensual process of making Italian food. Especially when it is from my people. Although there is some debate as to the origins of the dessert, I am of the Treviso line of though. Yay Northern Italy. Yay Grandpa.

Social Deconstructions

2005-07-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

I may break a social construct tonight. And its all because of the Yankees. Well, and Boston to an extent. It’s the final game of the Yankees vs. Boston series which if my Bombers win, could very well come close to knocking the Idiots out of first place in the AL East. Al Leiter is pitching for my boys since the rest of our rotation is, at the moment, decimated by right shoulder injuries (what, I say what have you boys been up too? And if it’s trouble, can I get in on it?). He’s (likely) finishing his career where he started upon entry to the Majors and since I’ve been a Marlins girl for this past year, I feel a special draw to watch his transition back to NY.

And so, I’m going to a bar alone. I don’t think women do that, especially 23 year olds. Especially in Miami. But I’m figuring its kinda like eating dinner at a restaurant alone, which I’ve managed to conquer. It’s the New Yorker in me. And the part of me that keeps saying, “girl, you have got to get your I can do it alone attitude back.” What better place to achieve that but in Miami, where one can’t go out unless you’re in a pack a la freshman year of college. It would be a moment of Conquering Miami.

Speaking of Miami. I feel like my hairgasm was in a way, a fair well to Miami. I don’t think I would have been able to have one at any other point in my life. As many have reminded me, I’ve never really loooved a haircut before this one. So true. I’m about as critical and disappointed as one can get. Especially the last time I got it cut in Miami. But this time, I was at my best. And I am incredibly attracted to excellence, which my dear Anthony exuded. And so, this Tom Ford lookalike-shaved head-scruffy-tight black pants-white oxford with the sleeve rolled up-sexy straight-man I can’t say no to gave me my first hairgasm. Hallelujah.

“And I have seen/Darker than ebony”

Hairgasms

2005-07-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

porque yo descubri
que eres la forma perfecta
la medida exacta
justa para mi y es asi...

i had a salon orgasm today. i celebrate my hair. go me. :c)

i can't say no
certain men have that effect
immediately
i can't say no
it's my downfall of the year
perfectly

Happiness is...

2005-07-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

New mornings
Manhattan's attempts to type
Smiles
New friends
Conquering the use of chopsticks
The fresh taste of real ginger
Reading in the shade of palm trees
The sound of the ocean
Imperfection
Excitement
Martini night with fabulous people
Free drinks
Chacho :c)
Finding you fit quite well under the arm of someone
The refreshing coolness of your sheets
naked
Knowing how good you really are

Tom Cruise

2005-06-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dear: Tom
From: JLM
Re/Ray: You're crazy

Body: Tom, I really wonder what the hell it is you've been reading about psychiatry and anti-depressants. Some Scientology-biased shit? Probably. Cause any intelligent being would support the use of and promote the benefits of therapy and that no, you can't overcome mental issues on your own. And I'm glad you think you "know the history of psychiatry" and are a Ritalin expert. Thats great.

You're an idiot. Thanks.

Daddy, You've Been on My Mind

2005-06-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

Daddy, You've Been on My Mind
(Bob Dylan)

Perhaps its the color of the sun cut flat
And covering the crossroad I'm standing at
Or maybe its the weather or something like that
But Daddy, you've been on my mind

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down or get upset
I am not pleading or saying I can't forget
I do not walk the floor bowed down and bent, but yet
Daddy, you've been on my mind

Even though my mind is hazy and my thoughts they might be narrow
Where you been don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter to me where you're waking up tomorrow
Daddy, you've just been on my mind

I am not asking you to say words like yes and no
Please understand me, I got no place for you to go
I'm just breathing to myself pretending not that I don't know
Daddy, you've been on my mind

When you wake up in the morning, baby, look inside your mirror
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near
I'd just be curious to know If you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on her mind

Copyright Warner Bros.
DC

I've been rereading Gone With the Wind. Also reading Social Cognition by Fiske and Taylor. I love them both.

Another Conversation

2005-06-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

“I’m only in town for another month or so. I’m looking forward to the move, but I’m actually going to miss Miami. I know, right. Well, so if you ever want to hang out or something you should let me know. But don’t say that you will if you don’t have any intention to do so. Its okay either way, just let me know. Okay. Well, just in case I don’t get the chance, I want you to know that I’m sorry. All those times you’d ask me what I was thinking, I should have told you how you overwhelmed me, melted me, and that I was incredibly attracted to you, that I wanted you to know everything, and that you made my stomach leap every time I thought about you. I was just going through a lot and well. I should have told you. It would have been genuine.

You deserve genuine.

And Manhattan absolutely loved you. I’ve never seen her so enamored with someone before or since for that matter.”

…Even if I tried to say it, it wouldn’t sound that good. It wouldn’t be as poetic or if it was, it would sound rehearsed and trite. It’d probably come out sounding like “blahlkghnbvvahhhh.”

And that would suck.

It’s just that, when we realize we’ve missed an opportunity, the feeling like we missed it, where does that come from? Is it that hindsight is 20/20 and you genuinely fucked up? Is it that the thing you think you’ve missed is really just realizing you want it now? Is it that its been so long and you can’t remember but hey its better than nothing, so why not? When do we decide that its right to try and mend the mistake rather then recognizing it and doing better the next time? When do you say I’m sorry rather than nothing at all?

I’ve been away from my philosophy for a while. But I fear that I didn’t treat him like a self-actualized (equal opportunity) independent human being. And I want to make sure I do now.

You oughtta know (acoustic version)

2005-06-15T00:35:00.000-07:00

“Hi. Um I know you just called and said you couldn’t make it. Yeah really no problem. But just so you know, I counted and there’s only like 46 days until I move to El Paso. Yeah I know can you believe it? Well, its just that, I’m fine with you not coming over tonight, I understand, really. But I mean that’s only 7 more martini nights and well it doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything really. And I can’t keep throwing my days away (which by the way I’m doing quite marvelously despite my better intentions). You see, I know it has taken a while and I’ve probably been a jerk…But for some reason, I’ve decided that I should have you in my life. And I don’t know about you but five minutes here and there don’t constitute quality time. So, if you want to wait until Sunday, that’s fine. But I’m just letting you know that I want to let you in, and you’ve only got 46 days to be here. So. Thanks. For. Well. I just wanted to say that. Thanks.”

I’ve been stupid and selfish. I got stood up tonight. Granted I don’t wanna date him. So, maybe he’s actually spending time with someone who does. Good for him. It would be selfish of me to deny him that since I’ve denied him thus far. “But for some reason, I’ve decided that I should have you in my life.” Hmm. Arrogant or eccentrically charming? I’m both. Are you cheering for the “You’re right, Sunday isn’t Soon Enough” or “Well isn’t that lovely, how Kind of You to decide you want to spend time with me now?”

B referred to me as a reluctant post modernist traveler. (My apologies if I butchered your phraseology—do write on it soon. It’s my arrogance. I’d like to know what that means.) Apparently I’m quite reluctant to do much that is authentic at the moment. I spent a rather inauthentic weekend in KW, I’ve been inauthentic with my feelings, even my clothing has been inauthentic. And yet, when the moment has called on me to let it all out, it ain’t there. (Oh and just so you know, the breasts, they are still authentic.) I’m a passionate person who Uses herself passionately in imitation love, never finding the genuine article.

Ah. Thank you thesaurus.
gen⋅u⋅ine adj
1. having the qualities or value claimed
2. not affected or pretended
3. honest and open in relationships with others
4. being of unmixed breeding

I currently fit none of the above.

A few months back, someone asked me what I was thinking. Over and over again. I now realize, I should have told him. It would have been genuine. He deserved genuine.

Where do I start to make it right. And with whom. Today I commented that to lock oneself up to finish the past is to miss out on all the future chapters one is bound to write. It’s always fitting when our words to others turn themselves around to us.

“Hip-hop Hip-hop Hip-hop-anonymous”

2005-06-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

I tried something new tonight. After grinding my hips into random men this weekend and realizing that it didn’t qualify as dancing, I decided that it was my civic duty to attend the Wednesday night Hip Hop class at the gym. If I went, At least I could say that I shake my ass legitimately. So, I put on my W.W.F.D. (What would Fergie Do) mentality and drove my overworked hips to LAFitness. Let’s get it started. Let’s get it started in here.

Let’s be honest, it took me 8 minutes on the elliptical before I could get myself into the room. I asked myself how many times I had walked into a room, community, or state not knowing a soul. I counted at least 8 in the last four years, found that I could no longer put it off and shimmied my bootah on in the room. I was going to Hip Hop with Jose.

Except it was Hip Hop with Freddie. I wouldn’t know the difference, but I liked the way it sounded. Dancing was harder than I remembered, especially since I’m a good 50 pounds heavier from when I was actually a great dancer. But, it made me realize that I should do it more often. I shoulda been a dancer. My children will dance and sing and make music every day. There’s something incredible about having rhythm in your life. And so I learned some legitimate ass-shaking and got a helluva workout…enough to hold me over in the event that I can’t make it due to an emergency Martini night tomorrow. I love Miami.

Things that make me happy today:
Finding a great friend again.
Reading Wicked.
Manhattan curling up on me.
Watching Lost.
Multi-part emails from CB.
Tropical Depression #1 to soon be Tropical Storm.
A-Rod being the youngest to hit 400 HRs.
Wine. Simply. Wine.

Conch Republic Debauchery Part Deux

2005-06-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

"You know what I want/Holding that cup/It's pouring over the sides"

Key West could be seen from the galaxy Saturday night/Sunday morning.

B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A

2005-05-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

“This goes out to all my baby mamas this goes out to all my baby mamas!”

Oh dear.

I did get my first mothers day card this past Sunday. Granted, it was from Manhattan. But I jokingly declared myself a “Baby Mama.” After today, I fear something is going on. I must be in heat again or something. Some people may like to attribute my strange encounters to “Miami” but when the apocalypse rears its demented and sure as hell not so funny head, I like to say that I must be in heat. Its precious.

I’m at my favorite salon today when my cute (but-learning-english-slowly-but-yes-shes-good-and-sweet-so-no-complaints) lady reminds me she’ll be traveling to Columbia during the month of July. I told her I’m moving to Texas. She asks for what. I tell her school. She asked me what my husband did. Husband. That made me want to jump off the table more than anything that gooey substance that rips hair off your body could ever do to me. I wasn’t even wearing a ring. ANY kind of ring. Not even my school ring which is kinda sorta close to the ring finger ring. Christ. If I was married you better be damn straight I’d have a rock on that finger. I ain’t foolin around children.

It gets better.

I’m in the checkout lane at Publix where apparently its okay to let your twelve year old child bag groceries just for fun. The kid starts bagging my food (which just about gave me a panic attack in and of itself, although he did package up my wine rather nicely…kinda frightening) and then begins to hand me the bags. As he does he says in his ever so grownup like little kid voice…”Did you have a nice Mothers Day?” Somehow in my state of shock/horror/what the fuck did you say…I muster an “Oh Honey, I’m not a mommy.”

What the hell.

Cause I ain’t kidding when I said I wanted a rock if I get married. I’m asking for a diamond eternity band from Tiffanys for every gila monster I happen to pop out. I’d have bling and ice my children. Bling and Ice.

So, thanks Fantasia for the baby momma song. I needed it today.

Damn Yankees

2005-05-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

“You’ve gotta have heart/all you really need is heart/when the odds are saying you’ll never win, that’s when the grin should start…”

I’m comfortable with my place as a Yankees fan. 26 World Series Championships. The legends of Gehrig, Mantle, and The Bambino. Mr. October and Donnie Baseball. The three best hitters in baseball: Jeter, A-Rod, and Sheffield. The History. And yes, the bottomless pockets of Steinbrenner. I’m not shaking in my boots, haven’t thrown in the towel, or put my head in the sand. Yes, I’m still wearing my Boston Sucks t-shirt and reminding my delusional BoSoxs fans that their next projected championship is in 2090. Like I said, I’m comfortable with my place as a Yankees fan.

Something that I was not so cushy with was the way that some of the Yankees fans have been acting lately. At the Tampa Bay game on May 5, I was more than miffed at the way we treated and are treating our Bronx Bombers. Booing and hissing at Mariano Rivera! Booing MO? I’m sorry, but this is the same man whose closing performances won championships and got people excited about PITCHING. So what if he blew last nights extra-innings save…the man hasn’t pitched in at least 5 games. Not using Mo at least every other game? This from the team who was accused of overusing their closer? There is no booing Rivera. Screaming at Alex Rodriguez! A-Rod Sucks? I’m sorry but the guy is batting .309, better than the rest of the team and probably better than most other players in the league. So what if he missed catching a ball in foul territory. There’s no need to tell him to watch how Jeter does it. Did ya see the thousand other incredible backhanded grabs he’s made at third? There is no screaming at A-Rod.

I’m sorry, but it’s more than counterproductive to bitch at two of our best players. Its idiocy. What about Posada, Matsui, Womack, and our steroid-bloated King Giambi? Christ, you’ve got to be kidding me. Tell me, whose brilliant Idea was it to pick up a 43 year old Kevin Brown? Steinbrenner. And whose brilliant Idea was it to dump a huge contract on Giambi (who seems to be constantly suffering from a sore arm or a dizzy head…hmm)? Steinbrenner. Ya know whose brilliant Idea it was to buy the perpetually injured Jaret Wright? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Did you say Steinbrenner? As much as I love the fact that he could buy me, my pathetic existence, and the air I happen to be breathing, when it comes to pointing a finger at someone, its misdirected at the players and Torre. Mama always told me to spend my money wisely. When I need a good solid pair of Nikes, I don’t go out and buy Stilettos no matter how god-dammed good they look. When I’m trying to run to my car on the First (or Last for that matter) day of Miami’s rainy season, those sexy shoes aint gonna do me much good. They’d be moldy, muddy, and I’ll probably lose a heel. But give them Nikes a good wipe-down, throw ‘em in the dryer and they’re good as new.

So stop bitching at my boys. They don’t hear you. They know they suck. And frankly they can still play better than you.
“So what the hecks the use in cryin/why should we curse/we’ve gotta get better/yeah we can’t get worse!”

Harry Potter and the T-Shirt of Truth

2005-04-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

Take note JKR, I’m writing a book. Actually I’m thinking I need a Harry Potter t-shirt. No, it doesn’t have the bespeckled teenage wizard on it, but it would be a magical t-shirt. Kinda like Hermione’s time traveler thingy, I’d be able to do great things with it. Terrible. But Great.

I’ve decided I need a t-shirt that tells people the truth. Cause sometimes I seriously cannot. In the words of Dr. Phil, whom CB and I have decided needs to “fuck the fucked up married people, and help get us single people laid,” I need some tools to open myself up. I realized at the always enlightening “Ladies Night” at Gatsby’s (yes, the Martini bar) that I have a fine line between disinterested and interested, bored and introspective that perhaps I fail to differentiate for people. After a discussion or two about this, including references to Dawson’s Creek (a guy telling Joey she acted like someone who had a boyfriend holding them back), Miss Congeniality (Gracie and Caine’s character: discussion about why she’s alone), and Third Watch (detective and Santeria man’s discussion about why she’s alone), I’ve decided I need a Dr. Phil desk calendar. So I need a t-shirt that tells certain people what I think of them. Cause I can’t. I think it would be blue with Scrolly-esque letters. At various times, here’s what it would say…

I heart you. Big time. Amazing personality and devastatingly beautiful. Especially since I’m attractive to business men who are slightly older than me and enjoy the beach, and hell I’m hot too, I think we’d have beautiful babies. Or we could just make out, one of the two. Let’s get lifted.
But there’s something you’re holding back…

I don’t like working with you. You’re research is boring. Thanks.

Move bitch, get out my way. And learn how to drive while you are at it!

Just cause you’re 38 doesn’t mean I wont date ya! So apply for kissing rights and we’ll be all good. Your cute racquetball partner is invited to apply as welllll.

A-Rod, Carl Pavano, and Bubby Crosby….I want to have your children!!!! And yes they look this good without the push-up bra! :c)

I’m soo lucky to have you in my life.

After being hit on by two semi-attractive men at the Southern Wedding, I returned to Miami. As I paid my bill at the remote parking lot, the attendant told me I was “pretty.” Welcome back to Miami, JLM. Where the sketchy men like you and the evolutionarily viable don’t look twice. Sweet. CB feels, and I quote, “Miami men do not seem to understand social function. I feel the caliber of the Y chromosome there is diluted…as though someone was peeing in the gene pool.” I however, choose to invoke cognitive dissonance. And keep trying.

I feel like I should have more to talk about than just men. Mea culpa. I’m wearing Deborah Lippman’s nailpolish called “No More Drama” created with Mary J. Blige. Way cool. I know. I’m planning to sunbathe topless at South beach before next Wednesday. Jesus Christ. I’m starting my Master’s Thesis and my very own project this week/summer. As you can tell by my t-shirt, I’m gonna go to a Yankees game May 5th. My cousin doesn’t know what he’s in for. Pobre chico. Today I learned that guys looove French manicures…especially on the toes. I’ve gotta say, I’m anti FM on the toes…FM on the nails and bright color on the toes. Boys, take note. Color means interesting. And just cause I’m Catholic doesn’t mean I’m doing the “new pope happy dance.” I don’t really care. I’m the catholic who thinks she could become jewish so she doesn’t have to worry about eating meat on Fridays. Please. And let’s talk about the benefits of bikini waxing. Do it.

I want to come back to Miami.

“See I would if I could do anything spontaneously.”

Pieces of me

2005-04-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm disappointed in the song selection on American Idol this week. There are more musicals than the Song of Music, West Side Story, and Camelot people!

I've found room to breathe. Soul found herself. Thank you Texas.

Off to Richmond. To see my hearts. I've missed each piece of myself.

Should I bring him down/Should I scream and shout/Should I speak of love/Let my feelings out?/I never thought I'd come to this/What's it all about?

Pinstripes

2005-04-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

Yes. It's that time of year again. Life is good.

The Yankees are back.

http://newyork.yankees.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/team/player.jsp?player_id=134321

I've decided that I must be of service to my beloved team, so of course that means being the damn near best morale booster I can be. Since Carl Pavano is new in town, happens to be a Yankee, and likes women with short hair, I'm officially offering my services to our newest pitcher in pinstripes. I know, it's really a sacrifice but someone's gotta do it. I just want to be the best Yankee fan I can be and if it means putting aside my needs for the good of the team, so be it. I'm a team player. I'm ready to serve in the front lines...

And in case you forgot...the Yankees have won 26 World Series...and I've seen more than a few in my lifetime...
Boston: 6 wins, next forecasted win in the year 2090. How many Bosox championships have you seen? Oh thats right!

Song

2005-03-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

you are all so beautiful.

thanks.

In the Nick of time...

2005-03-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

I’ve been asking to be saved lately. From myself. Which I believe in and my uncanny ability to always come through. I can’t help it though. I find myself slipping.

And then you realize it’s a terrible beach/pool day and you’ve been up too damn early fighting with FIU, or the university which can accurately stand for “Fuck It Up,” and so you decide that you’ll never be a nice person again unless you get a latte. And hell, do some work while you are at it so the rest of Spring Break can be fun. It’s these last minute seemingly benign decisions that save you.

Nick. He’s saved me more than once.

I wasn’t drunk enough this weekend to party with the college babies in Coconut Grove and hadn’t enough contact with straight males to endure the ineligible throngs of y-chromosomes in South Beach. I didn’t have enough Zoloft to make up for the multiple times I’ve been told how much I am to be missed when I move to TexASS nor to deal with the incredible fear associated with leaving. And that’s not even including my hair issues (which I’m somewhat over but hell what I wouldn’t give for a few more inches). Nope, never enough.

Nick finished his program and passed his boards. I think it was some form of medicine, presumably nursing. He wondered how my program was going and wished me the best of luck in everything. And then he told me I was beautiful as well. He mentioned that he was sitting with a friend one day who was looking over at me and that they both thought I was incredibly beautiful: spiritually, personality, and physically. He just thought I should know that.

Sometimes I think that he’s an angel that arrives just when I need it. Sent to save me from myself. An angel in tweed blazers, glasses, and of course with a faint Spanish accent. But an angel nonetheless.

Here’s what I’m asking of myself for the next four months. To not let a day in Miami pass without living it fully. To keep finding whatever the hell it is I’m looking for. To never let it occur to me that I shouldn’t start something with anyone in anything because I’m leaving. If it’s meant to be, I will make it work. To not hold back. Anything. To never accept anything less than my best and to accept everyone else, even if it isn’t their best but so long as it’s inherently good. To visit my family in Naples, to see the Keys, to watch a sunset on the beach, to experience South Beach. Topless. And to not let it end there. To not let it end.

“You were always good at putting words together/And wearing them so loud.”

Meaning

2005-03-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

And if our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright if it was just 'til
St. Patrick's Day

Time

2005-03-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

"Every summer, towards the end, they'd give us little baskets of raspberries and blackberries which I loved. And it's that which makes me want to run off to Italy and have a little house with a huge garden and a vineyard, meet a beautiful Italian man, make lots of babies, and cook all the time."

It was suggested this weekend that I look back at my writings to see how I've survived along the way.

It's funny how this struck me.

Randomized and Counterbalanced

2005-03-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

I’ve often wondered what life would be like if we didn’t make the choices we make. If the ebb and flow of life was random, if it was patterned, if it was a random pattern. You realize that we never end up where we think we’ll end up, that we don’t have the perfect life by the age of 25, that we’ve figured out the world when you graduate from college, and that you can actually get your cat to do exactly what you want including refraining from jumping on the counter. That would be too easy. I should know by now that we don’t have it easy: life doesn’t factor load the way you expect it to, you can’t ever escape a 4 way interaction, and somehow there’s always noise in the experiment.

I just had a moment. Actually it resembled more like a mini-break down, which is always a good thing to have on the last night of the conference in a hotel room. Classic place for a breakdown. Although I can’t think of any good prototypical breakdowns happening in hotel rooms. I’ve been in a tornado cloud the past few days: spinning around people, thoughts, research, people, future, past, present. It’s actually been quite the struggle: I’ve been rotated into a glimpse of my future while trying to exist in my present so that I can hold onto what I think I’ll be missing come August. That’s right, missing. I’ve had comforting conversations with someone I barely know, my source of “it’s gonna be okay” coming from a sarcastic, witty, hardened-but somehow not so, adopted Iowan. He’s informed me of everything I never bargained for in this move: my newfound celebrity status, my role as a crutch/confidante/friend/everything to a number of people, my display of unmitigated trust, and the benefits of it all. This, in the midst of those who are uncomfortable with my choice, those who question my choice, those in awe of me and my choice, and those who support me and my choice. It’s such a strange place to be in. I wonder what this is going to be like come August. I think I’ve entered a new fucking chapter. I’m writing this book faster than I thought.

I have to say that I am afraid. It will be hard to leave my friends. I’m slowly getting closer to getting laid than I have been in a while (although we could also discuss the probability of that). But I’m starting to realize that it’s all about perception. I’ve perceived that my life in Miami is probably better than my life will be in El Paso. Just like I perceived my life to be absolute hell in Miami compared to Virginia. Sometimes perception is reality and sometimes it’s just perception. I know I’m making the right decision to make this move. And we all know it’s the nature of the academic beast. But does it necessarily have to be a beast? Could it be more of a lamb? Or a kitten? I’m moving half way across the country. To follow a brilliant academic. And I’m going alone. Again. What do I perceive that I have in Miami? A comfort level. Some girlfriends. Free coffee giver. And the ever possible lovah. Maybe a maybe lovah moving down there. But what do I know that I have in Miami? An apartment. A car. The beach. I live in the world of probabilities and little certainties. Few things we know for sure in the world of psychology. We can never say anything with absolute certainty. So why should I start now?

My new friend the Iowan told me this. Don’t go to El Paso expecting things. Because you’ll be disappointed. You have to go with an open mind and just be open to all of the things you’ll be experiencing. That way you can only be surprised. Don’t try to impress or prove yourself to anyone. You don’t have to with this group. Just be yourself and do good work.

Maybe it’s because he reminds me of some curmudgeonly Virginian that I like him. He’s got the whole “cool man” thing going. Minus the scary part. But he’s got some good shit.

Faces

2005-02-22T15:29:00.000-08:00

http://cnn.netscape.cnn.com/ns/news/story.jsp?idq=/ff/story/0002%2F20050216%2F1258083512.htm&photoid=20050213MAN02D&ewp=ewp_news_0205__pill_faces

I love face research. I do it a lot. Not like this.

Its funny when the face recognition researcher forgets faces. The truth comes out

My feet

2005-02-15T21:23:00.000-08:00

“Jesus walks. God show me the way cause the devil tryin break me down. Jesus walks with me. The only thing that I pray is that my feet don’t fail me now.”

I just had a craving for Karaoke. In Miami. With old friends and new friends. It’d be sexy. And I’d sing “New York State of Mind.” The crowd would go wild.

I could lament my current state. And bitch about phone calls, but I deserve what I’ve got coming to me. Fear is teaching me a lesson. Since I was afraid to call for at least a month. No more. If I owe you or anyone you can think of a phone call, I’ll put them on my list. Never again.

One of my colleagues told me today that for V-Day, her boyfriend is moving to Miami. She’s one of the lucky ones. ‘B’ told me last night, “That which makes us exceptional also makes us lonely.” Errr something like that. I could weave my way around that topic, but what can I say that doesn’t sound like whining. Whining is not my intent. And so, I shall leave that for better days.

I am such a single woman bachelor style. My fridge has wine, OJ, cream cheese, (these are the only edible items) and then the rest is filled with items that could walk to the dumpster. My bed is, as such beds should be deemed, a ‘good sex bed’ (as opposed to ‘bad sex bed’ which would consist of leopard sheets) and my pjs don’t win no points on comfortable. I’m in search of the fuzzy slippers of life (that’s the ‘woman’ part of ‘swbs’). I worked out tonight. I did hills on the treadmill as a result of my latest afternoon pleasure: 3-5pm nap/Dr.Phil/nap/Oprah/nap. So I could eat donut holes tonight. I’ve realized that whomever lives above me gets laid every night. Apparently I’m slow on the uptake cause I just assumed people were like my sister and moved their furniture around a few times a week. Wronggg. At Publix tonight, I realized that I have a grocery store buddy. I remember seeing him there the other night. Maybe I should consider normal grocery shopping behavior. I like using journals for my research notes and I’ve contemplated keeping a journal. Last night I thought it should be about my day, but that would be trite and depressing. School. Food. Shower. Workout. Food. Work. (in some order) Tonight I think about ‘B’’s journal project….keeping track of your distracter thoughts, which could just be dangerous. I’ve run into this before…it’s a very cool cognitive experiment to do…but there are limitations. For example, if you’re trying to remember to keep track of your distracter thoughts, are you priming the distracters to come up? I thought about it because I was off the distracter radar in PJ class today. Surprising I know.

Redhead chastised me for complaining about complication. Mea culpa. I don’t want easy (otherwise cowboys wouldn’t be in my future), I’ve never chosen easy (can we say, “honors thesis”), I’ll never have easy (can we see a pattern here). But I would like to wade through complications with someone else, at least for a while. The muck can be a little daunting and lets be honest, not many people think swamp hair is sexy.

“Now that you’re right here let me whisper in your ear. Now that you’re listening let me tell you how I feel”

VDay

2005-02-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

The creator of Valentine's Day should be drawn, quartered, and shot.

Anyone who wishes a single woman a Happy VDay at 730 in the morning when she first wakes up should be heavily chastised.

As of 1215, the best pass I've had all day came from a duck. He walked up to me, looked deeply into my eyes for a few minutes and then turned around and shook his tail feathers at me. He did this twice before I decided to save myself and move from where I was sitting.

Lonestar

2005-02-13T20:44:00.000-08:00

"Lonestar where are you out tonight/This feeling I'm trying to fight/It's dark and I think that I would give anything/For you to shine down on me/How far you are I just don't know/The distance I'm willing to go/I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky/Hoping for some kind of sign"

I’ll admit it. I’m slightly bitter. Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Well isn’t that just ducky. I don’t even have my girls to sit around and curse the day as we revel in our goddess-ness and drink Martinis. Manhattan doesn’t seem to have the same angst as the women of Nicholas 207 and the Crew. Although, we ladies have lost some of our staunchest haters to the world of chocolate flowers and furry pink teddy bears. Damn. My sure bet is sick again. And I’m in my neurotic stage with the hopeful. Thus, no VDay for me. Fuck. Oh wait, not even that lucky.

I had a Sex and the City moment the other day. Well, if you consider walking by Bed on South Beach (where they have beds instead of tables…I believe the girls managed that up in Manhattan), then I had multiple ones. I saw the episode where the girls wonder if relationship karma comes back to haunt them. Carrie had broken up Big’s marriage, and Miranda was haunted by her poor treatment of Steve, both convinced that their past behavior was getting turned around on them. So I got to thinking, if we have to go through the lousy nodatingsuckydating phases all the time, do we ever get to the maybesortakindagooddating phases? If so, am I finally moving into the second phase. And how long is it gonna take to get there? Cause I’ve been walking a long time in my Guess flats and I’m starting to get blisters. I don’t even think my future pair of Manolo’s would last this long. And it’d be really nice to put on a pair of fuzzy slippers at this point. The band-aids are starting to get nasty.

“The most important thing I know about living is love. Nothing surpasses the benefits received by a human being who makes compassion and love the objective of his or her life. For it is only by compassion and love that anyone fulfils successfully their own life’s journey. Nothing equals love.” –Sargent Shriver

If what goes around comes around in the world of love, then I think we’ve all got really good things coming to us. Even to those of us who despise February 14th. One day we will look back on this and laugh at our despair. As we’re cuddled on the couch in our pjs and furry pink slippers. It’ll be so good.

Memo and More

2005-02-08T16:14:00.000-08:00

Big: She can get ahold of me but I can't get ahold of her.
Aidan: That's fucked up.

In your best Megger tone…

MEMO

TO!: My Thug
From: JLM
Re/Ray: Your illegitimate hugs.

I’ve got a problem. You do not have a legitimate claim to grope me. If you’d like to stop being a bastard, you can apply to the JLM Hugging Rights Program. Check one of the following:

______ Deep Conversation _______ Dinner Date

Your application will be reviewed immediately. My personal assistant, Mimi, will contact you to set up your appointment. Should you have any questions, please call my office at 1-800-123-4567. Thank you for your interest.

End Memo.

Here’s my issue. With Miami men.
a) They believe it to be their divine right to make comments about you as you walk by them. In Spanish of course.
b) They believe in illegitimate hugging. (This commentary will address only this point)

I’m currently going 2 for 2 on the illegitimate front (one has applied for and been granted hugging rights). Granted, this is a small sample size, but I believe it to be at least descriptive of my current problem. Let’s discuss…

Either my life has lacked external validity up until this point or I’m just crazy. But male acquaintances have not hugged me, until of course I got to Miami. Problem 2 got my number and then thought he had hugging rights. “I don’t think so Annie. You want me to do things like ze sun and ze moon. Idiot.” Um. We didn’t talk. Beyond trying to figure out when the hell he was going to come see me at the FN office. And beyond my trying to figure out what the hell he was saying.

Interruption. Hi. My name is Jess and I’m a planner. I also go to bed early. Please learn to take note of that. Thanks

My Thug. Granted, we’ve had slightly more meaningful conversation but nothing near the requirements needed for hugging rights. Let’s estimate overall talk time per week. He’s usually at the gym 3 to 4 days a week….probably get in about 3 to 5 minutes of conversation per gym sighting. That means between 9 to 20 minutes a week of conversation, and that’s probably positively biased. Where the hell are the statisticians to make a correction when you need them.

Think about it. Do you hug your gym boyfriend? Stef? Bueller?

I don’t get hugs from colleagues or classmates. No hugs from professors. Nope, not even Jose, my apartment complex worker buddy. And not Cesar (not of the salad variety), the neighbor and tennis buddy.

I get hugs from men who I’ve had in depth conversations with (read: good friends or at least some discussion of the merits of Mill or philosophy behind our grad school choice). I also get them at the bar after he’s bought me a drink and would like to take me back to his apartment. Or if we’ve been on a date. Those are acceptable. But you don’t get to grope me if you’re my gym boyfriend. Especially when you're realllly sweaty. Sorry. Exchanging heat byproducts is not on my list of things to do. Not unless you plan on seeing me in some other situation, preferably one where I’m not wearing spandex.

I just can’t believe that this is commonplace. Am I crazy?

And I know what you’re thinking. Just don’t hug him! But…

I'm jist a fool when lights are low/ I cain't be prissy and quaint / I ain't the type that can faint / How c'n I be whut I ain't? / I cain't say no!

I have issues, I know. But he’s soooooo sexxxxy. He’s within my geriatric range. Has a job (I could get Tiffany’s..mwhaha. And he wouldn’t be a compromise for the jewels). He’s got two dogs and likes the Raiders. It’s too delicious but bad for my health.

I’m willing to compromise. Not myself of course. But we could work out some kind of a deal I’m sure. I’m just currently out of negotiation skills. Help.

WARNING!

2005-02-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

Handsome, older, [sweaty], [hug-prone] businessmen are bad for my health.

The Surgeon General really should put a warning label on them.

Abuse and Neglect

2005-02-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

I’ve been neglectful. I’ve also been sore. Manhattan has been sore. Manhattan has also been attentive.

Last night in my attempt to busy myself with nothingness, I worked on the computer. Manhattan, in her attempt to obtain my affections, sat by my computer, rested her paws on the keyboard, and every chance she got, crawled into my lap. Every chance I got, I moved her paws and gingerly placed her on the floor. In my attempt to satiate my emptiness, I made a frozen dinner lasagna and sat on the couch to eat it. Manhattan, in her attempt to obtain my affections, refrained from trying to eat it and instead threw herself against my side and curled up against me. In my attempt to fulfill my sense of failure, I got up to run errands. Manhattan, in her attempt to express her frustration, gave me a pained look. It said, “I can’t believe you are leaving me. I love you.”

Hi. My name is Jess and I am a bad mom.
(resoundingly) Hi Jess!

I realized that someone who loved me was making every attempt to be a good little girl. Despite the fact that I had her declawed and spayed. And made her spend an entire day in her carrier, on a plane, against her will. The day after she came home. Manhattan was there, desperately trying to get me to realize that she was making every effort to be as close to me as possible. And I was running away. To things I had to do. Eventually. But did I have to get up and run out into the world that had no desire to curl up next to me? It’s crazy to have something that depends on you for everything and loves you and takes care of you more than she does herself. She makes herself crazy with her love for me. I do too. But it scares me and so I run. Almost two weeks ago now, I asked if we ever stopped (for all intensive purposes) running. Cause I was sick of the idea that I’d be running or turning or spinning or leaving again. And yet I was doing it last night.

Sometimes it is hard to tell if the world is doing the spinning or if you are. And it’s even worse when you don’t know what you should do and when to let go. What are we holding on to? Sometimes it’s my stomach. (I get kinda sick on wheels) Sometimes it’s my head. (I might lose my brain cells) Sometimes it’s my heart. (Cause it likes to run off) Sometimes it’s my breast. (Yep. That’s what hurts) Sometimes it’s my thoughts. (There’s a reason I self-monitor, people!) Sometimes it’s the ground. (I need to be on it) And sometimes it’s the air. (I shouldn’t be gripping to anything)

We’ve got good stuff people. We’ve also got good people. They are good to hold on to when you’re feeling a little dizzy. It’s even good when you’re both a little dizzy. Or drunk. Walking back from the Greenleafe one sunday night. Four legs, no matter how wobbly they are, must be better than two. I have six. That’s gotta be good.

Thank you India

2005-01-26T22:46:00.000-08:00

As if I needed more proof that She exists, I got it tonight. From a call that originated in the healing and beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, I realized how much I am loved. How much we all are loved, give love, have love. It could only come from something that is Love. Thanks.

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

Descartes and Damien

2005-01-26T20:14:00.000-08:00

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

If Descartes says we are free-est when we have the fewest choices (ie: no choice), how come it doesn't seem so? What if there is one option that is so right and the other so wrong that there is no choice? Oh Costelloe where art thou?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...

Do we ever get off?

2005-01-25T23:11:00.000-08:00

You can find me, if you ever want to give
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around, I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

Mental Discourse II

2005-01-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

My brain was at it again. Although I failed to think in fully conversational terms because I fail to fully think in the presence of y-chromosomes. So I can't give a full disclosure of my musings. But apparently full disclosure isn't my forte at the moment.

What do you say to someone who wants to know everything? Every inner most thought?

"What are you thinking?"
"everything. and. nothing"

It's not very satisfying is it? That I was actually thinking about this person as a whole was a big step for me. I wasn't about to divulge everything at that moment...it might come off as tacky, the words as ill chosen, the sentiments as too forward. But in fact I wasn't thinking anything worthy of mention during a Sex and the City morning breakfast gossip fest (of which I watched two episodes this morning when my body was either a) too keyed up from coffee or b) just too keyed up). It was too simple. And silly.

But really. What do I say?

Liquified

2005-01-22T00:37:00.000-08:00

the hum of midnight
passes through what is left of melted snow
vibrating, humming, singing, pulsing
through a pool of broken molecules
reflecting the street lamp's warmth