Memo and More
Big: She can get ahold of me but I can't get ahold of her.
Aidan: That's fucked up.
In your best Megger tone…
MEMO
TO!: My Thug
From: JLM
Re/Ray: Your illegitimate hugs.
I’ve got a problem. You do not have a legitimate claim to grope me. If you’d like to stop being a bastard, you can apply to the JLM Hugging Rights Program. Check one of the following:
______ Deep Conversation _______ Dinner Date
Your application will be reviewed immediately. My personal assistant, Mimi, will contact you to set up your appointment. Should you have any questions, please call my office at 1-800-123-4567. Thank you for your interest.
End Memo.
Here’s my issue. With Miami men.
a) They believe it to be their divine right to make comments about you as you walk by them. In Spanish of course.
b) They believe in illegitimate hugging. (This commentary will address only this point)
I’m currently going 2 for 2 on the illegitimate front (one has applied for and been granted hugging rights). Granted, this is a small sample size, but I believe it to be at least descriptive of my current problem. Let’s discuss…
Either my life has lacked external validity up until this point or I’m just crazy. But male acquaintances have not hugged me, until of course I got to Miami. Problem 2 got my number and then thought he had hugging rights. “I don’t think so Annie. You want me to do things like ze sun and ze moon. Idiot.” Um. We didn’t talk. Beyond trying to figure out when the hell he was going to come see me at the FN office. And beyond my trying to figure out what the hell he was saying.
Interruption. Hi. My name is Jess and I’m a planner. I also go to bed early. Please learn to take note of that. Thanks
My Thug. Granted, we’ve had slightly more meaningful conversation but nothing near the requirements needed for hugging rights. Let’s estimate overall talk time per week. He’s usually at the gym 3 to 4 days a week….probably get in about 3 to 5 minutes of conversation per gym sighting. That means between 9 to 20 minutes a week of conversation, and that’s probably positively biased. Where the hell are the statisticians to make a correction when you need them.
Think about it. Do you hug your gym boyfriend? Stef? Bueller?
I don’t get hugs from colleagues or classmates. No hugs from professors. Nope, not even Jose, my apartment complex worker buddy. And not Cesar (not of the salad variety), the neighbor and tennis buddy.
I get hugs from men who I’ve had in depth conversations with (read: good friends or at least some discussion of the merits of Mill or philosophy behind our grad school choice). I also get them at the bar after he’s bought me a drink and would like to take me back to his apartment. Or if we’ve been on a date. Those are acceptable. But you don’t get to grope me if you’re my gym boyfriend. Especially when you're realllly sweaty. Sorry. Exchanging heat byproducts is not on my list of things to do. Not unless you plan on seeing me in some other situation, preferably one where I’m not wearing spandex.
I just can’t believe that this is commonplace. Am I crazy?
And I know what you’re thinking. Just don’t hug him! But…
I'm jist a fool when lights are low/ I cain't be prissy and quaint / I ain't the type that can faint / How c'n I be whut I ain't? / I cain't say no!
I have issues, I know. But he’s soooooo sexxxxy. He’s within my geriatric range. Has a job (I could get Tiffany’s..mwhaha. And he wouldn’t be a compromise for the jewels). He’s got two dogs and likes the Raiders. It’s too delicious but bad for my health.
I’m willing to compromise. Not myself of course. But we could work out some kind of a deal I’m sure. I’m just currently out of negotiation skills. Help.
Aidan: That's fucked up.
In your best Megger tone…
MEMO
TO!: My Thug
From: JLM
Re/Ray: Your illegitimate hugs.
I’ve got a problem. You do not have a legitimate claim to grope me. If you’d like to stop being a bastard, you can apply to the JLM Hugging Rights Program. Check one of the following:
______ Deep Conversation _______ Dinner Date
Your application will be reviewed immediately. My personal assistant, Mimi, will contact you to set up your appointment. Should you have any questions, please call my office at 1-800-123-4567. Thank you for your interest.
End Memo.
Here’s my issue. With Miami men.
a) They believe it to be their divine right to make comments about you as you walk by them. In Spanish of course.
b) They believe in illegitimate hugging. (This commentary will address only this point)
I’m currently going 2 for 2 on the illegitimate front (one has applied for and been granted hugging rights). Granted, this is a small sample size, but I believe it to be at least descriptive of my current problem. Let’s discuss…
Either my life has lacked external validity up until this point or I’m just crazy. But male acquaintances have not hugged me, until of course I got to Miami. Problem 2 got my number and then thought he had hugging rights. “I don’t think so Annie. You want me to do things like ze sun and ze moon. Idiot.” Um. We didn’t talk. Beyond trying to figure out when the hell he was going to come see me at the FN office. And beyond my trying to figure out what the hell he was saying.
Interruption. Hi. My name is Jess and I’m a planner. I also go to bed early. Please learn to take note of that. Thanks
My Thug. Granted, we’ve had slightly more meaningful conversation but nothing near the requirements needed for hugging rights. Let’s estimate overall talk time per week. He’s usually at the gym 3 to 4 days a week….probably get in about 3 to 5 minutes of conversation per gym sighting. That means between 9 to 20 minutes a week of conversation, and that’s probably positively biased. Where the hell are the statisticians to make a correction when you need them.
Think about it. Do you hug your gym boyfriend? Stef? Bueller?
I don’t get hugs from colleagues or classmates. No hugs from professors. Nope, not even Jose, my apartment complex worker buddy. And not Cesar (not of the salad variety), the neighbor and tennis buddy.
I get hugs from men who I’ve had in depth conversations with (read: good friends or at least some discussion of the merits of Mill or philosophy behind our grad school choice). I also get them at the bar after he’s bought me a drink and would like to take me back to his apartment. Or if we’ve been on a date. Those are acceptable. But you don’t get to grope me if you’re my gym boyfriend. Especially when you're realllly sweaty. Sorry. Exchanging heat byproducts is not on my list of things to do. Not unless you plan on seeing me in some other situation, preferably one where I’m not wearing spandex.
I just can’t believe that this is commonplace. Am I crazy?
And I know what you’re thinking. Just don’t hug him! But…
I'm jist a fool when lights are low/ I cain't be prissy and quaint / I ain't the type that can faint / How c'n I be whut I ain't? / I cain't say no!
I have issues, I know. But he’s soooooo sexxxxy. He’s within my geriatric range. Has a job (I could get Tiffany’s..mwhaha. And he wouldn’t be a compromise for the jewels). He’s got two dogs and likes the Raiders. It’s too delicious but bad for my health.
I’m willing to compromise. Not myself of course. But we could work out some kind of a deal I’m sure. I’m just currently out of negotiation skills. Help.
posted by Cat at 4:14 PM
2 Comments:
M...
You break me. I heart you. I'm glad I can help with your future bastard hug takers. ;c)
On another note. Here's the problem. I'd much prefer his obtaining hugging rights than dubbing him sketch and saying No. I guess its my problem. Until I come to M-worthy senses
MEMO
TO! Jess
FROM! Dana
Re/Ray: Negotiation
Dear Jess,
We do not negotiate with terrorists. Even if they're sexy. Even if you seem to benefit from their activities in the short run, the long term effects of terrorist activity just can't be good. They operate on a different set of rules that I don't think you want to get embroiled in. Just let him know discreetly that he could be on your list and receive hug approval if he became legitimate, but as it stands, your list is not open to those who shirk the proper channels.
Also, I remind you again, that he is OLD.
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