B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A

“This goes out to all my baby mamas this goes out to all my baby mamas!”

Oh dear.

I did get my first mothers day card this past Sunday. Granted, it was from Manhattan. But I jokingly declared myself a “Baby Mama.” After today, I fear something is going on. I must be in heat again or something. Some people may like to attribute my strange encounters to “Miami” but when the apocalypse rears its demented and sure as hell not so funny head, I like to say that I must be in heat. Its precious.

I’m at my favorite salon today when my cute (but-learning-english-slowly-but-yes-shes-good-and-sweet-so-no-complaints) lady reminds me she’ll be traveling to Columbia during the month of July. I told her I’m moving to Texas. She asks for what. I tell her school. She asked me what my husband did. Husband. That made me want to jump off the table more than anything that gooey substance that rips hair off your body could ever do to me. I wasn’t even wearing a ring. ANY kind of ring. Not even my school ring which is kinda sorta close to the ring finger ring. Christ. If I was married you better be damn straight I’d have a rock on that finger. I ain’t foolin around children.

It gets better.

I’m in the checkout lane at Publix where apparently its okay to let your twelve year old child bag groceries just for fun. The kid starts bagging my food (which just about gave me a panic attack in and of itself, although he did package up my wine rather nicely…kinda frightening) and then begins to hand me the bags. As he does he says in his ever so grownup like little kid voice…”Did you have a nice Mothers Day?” Somehow in my state of shock/horror/what the fuck did you say…I muster an “Oh Honey, I’m not a mommy.”

What the hell.

Cause I ain’t kidding when I said I wanted a rock if I get married. I’m asking for a diamond eternity band from Tiffanys for every gila monster I happen to pop out. I’d have bling and ice my children. Bling and Ice.

So, thanks Fantasia for the baby momma song. I needed it today.

Damn Yankees

“You’ve gotta have heart/all you really need is heart/when the odds are saying you’ll never win, that’s when the grin should start…”

I’m comfortable with my place as a Yankees fan. 26 World Series Championships. The legends of Gehrig, Mantle, and The Bambino. Mr. October and Donnie Baseball. The three best hitters in baseball: Jeter, A-Rod, and Sheffield. The History. And yes, the bottomless pockets of Steinbrenner. I’m not shaking in my boots, haven’t thrown in the towel, or put my head in the sand. Yes, I’m still wearing my Boston Sucks t-shirt and reminding my delusional BoSoxs fans that their next projected championship is in 2090. Like I said, I’m comfortable with my place as a Yankees fan.

Something that I was not so cushy with was the way that some of the Yankees fans have been acting lately. At the Tampa Bay game on May 5, I was more than miffed at the way we treated and are treating our Bronx Bombers. Booing and hissing at Mariano Rivera! Booing MO? I’m sorry, but this is the same man whose closing performances won championships and got people excited about PITCHING. So what if he blew last nights extra-innings save…the man hasn’t pitched in at least 5 games. Not using Mo at least every other game? This from the team who was accused of overusing their closer? There is no booing Rivera. Screaming at Alex Rodriguez! A-Rod Sucks? I’m sorry but the guy is batting .309, better than the rest of the team and probably better than most other players in the league. So what if he missed catching a ball in foul territory. There’s no need to tell him to watch how Jeter does it. Did ya see the thousand other incredible backhanded grabs he’s made at third? There is no screaming at A-Rod.

I’m sorry, but it’s more than counterproductive to bitch at two of our best players. Its idiocy. What about Posada, Matsui, Womack, and our steroid-bloated King Giambi? Christ, you’ve got to be kidding me. Tell me, whose brilliant Idea was it to pick up a 43 year old Kevin Brown? Steinbrenner. And whose brilliant Idea was it to dump a huge contract on Giambi (who seems to be constantly suffering from a sore arm or a dizzy head…hmm)? Steinbrenner. Ya know whose brilliant Idea it was to buy the perpetually injured Jaret Wright? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. Did you say Steinbrenner? As much as I love the fact that he could buy me, my pathetic existence, and the air I happen to be breathing, when it comes to pointing a finger at someone, its misdirected at the players and Torre. Mama always told me to spend my money wisely. When I need a good solid pair of Nikes, I don’t go out and buy Stilettos no matter how god-dammed good they look. When I’m trying to run to my car on the First (or Last for that matter) day of Miami’s rainy season, those sexy shoes aint gonna do me much good. They’d be moldy, muddy, and I’ll probably lose a heel. But give them Nikes a good wipe-down, throw ‘em in the dryer and they’re good as new.

So stop bitching at my boys. They don’t hear you. They know they suck. And frankly they can still play better than you.
“So what the hecks the use in cryin/why should we curse/we’ve gotta get better/yeah we can’t get worse!”