Thank you India

As if I needed more proof that She exists, I got it tonight. From a call that originated in the healing and beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, I realized how much I am loved. How much we all are loved, give love, have love. It could only come from something that is Love. Thanks.

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

Descartes and Damien

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...


If Descartes says we are free-est when we have the fewest choices (ie: no choice), how come it doesn't seem so? What if there is one option that is so right and the other so wrong that there is no choice? Oh Costelloe where art thou?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...

Do we ever get off?

You can find me, if you ever want to give
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around, I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

Mental Discourse II

My brain was at it again. Although I failed to think in fully conversational terms because I fail to fully think in the presence of y-chromosomes. So I can't give a full disclosure of my musings. But apparently full disclosure isn't my forte at the moment.

What do you say to someone who wants to know everything? Every inner most thought?

"What are you thinking?"
"everything. and. nothing"

It's not very satisfying is it? That I was actually thinking about this person as a whole was a big step for me. I wasn't about to divulge everything at that moment...it might come off as tacky, the words as ill chosen, the sentiments as too forward. But in fact I wasn't thinking anything worthy of mention during a Sex and the City morning breakfast gossip fest (of which I watched two episodes this morning when my body was either a) too keyed up from coffee or b) just too keyed up). It was too simple. And silly.

But really. What do I say?

Liquified

the hum of midnight
passes through what is left of melted snow
vibrating, humming, singing, pulsing
through a pool of broken molecules
reflecting the street lamp's warmth

Deliver me

“Well I don’t expect the world to implode beneath me but for god’s sake you could try”

Faith. I’m lacking it seriously. In others and in myself. What will it take for me to believe? And what do I believe? I have faith in the strength of science to answer our questions, solve our problems, and cure our ills. Aditya would lament my failure to fully grasp the crisis in social psychology. Oops. I believe in my research and its ability to fix the legal system and bring legal professionals together into one common understanding of what is right and wrong. Have I too much faith in the midst of my overall deficiency? Medicine will rid me of maligned cells that have betrayed their family and I have faith that it will provide an answer if these strays have wrecked more than havoc. And I’ve been politely chastised for my failure to believe in the ability of a supreme being to comfort or cure. And I’ve been ‘buked for lacking trust in another person and his ability to come through. I’m sorry.

But I’ve answered my phone question. I can’t call because I’ve been failed by others too many times. I’ve been chided for my failure to put myself out there because I don’t want to be hurt. Sometimes it’s easier to just not try if the certain end is failure; then we save ourselves the inevitable hurt. But how many times does it have to be wrong before it’s right? And when will I know ‘great’ if I never know ‘good’ or even ‘good enough’? And when is enough just what it is, enough?

One of the girls who works at the café is moving to Denver. She has never lived away from Miami in her young 19 years. She’s moving out to be with her boyfriend and to take college classes. Starting over. We always are. When do we stop starting? Is there ever a point at which we settle down?

He just called. And melted the coldness out of my heart again.

After two calls, I told myself his number would qualify for space in my directory. I should do that now.

“She was so cynical about love 'cause she didn't want to be heart broken again”

“I’ve been ‘buked and I’ve been scorned. I’ve been ‘buked and I’ve been scorned. Children.”

“Didn’t my Lord deliver Daniel? Didn’t my Lord deliver Daniel? And why not for every man? A man went down to the river. A man went down to the river. He went down there to pray. A man went down to the river. A man went down to the river. To wash all his sins away.”

Confessions

“If I was your woman here’s what I’d do I’d never never no no stop lovin you.”

So, I’m guilty as charged. I bitch about not getting phone calls yet I can’t make them myself. It’s a contradiction in the concept of promising. If I promise to call and then don’t, people then will say, what is the purpose of making a promise if we don’t keep it? So the system of promises will break down because it no longer has meaning. I’m contributing to the ultimate failure of the world. I’m not going into my psyche here because I think I’ve already done it and lord knows we don’t wanna overdue the analysis here. Beat the damn thing to death already. But I suck. Thanks.

I now refuse to watch anything that isn’t at least a little life affirming. That’s right. I even turn off Oprah if she’s got something on there that just doesn’t deal with the humanity in the world. Which is why I am now addicted to the Food Network. This could be dangerous. The one redeeming possibility is my sincere lack of motivation to cook and more importantly to clean. I’m currently watching an episode on the making of bbq. Finger lickin’ napkin messin’ goodness.

I melted. Again.

Manhattan decided that my arm is now a chew toy. Lucky me.

It was cold enough in Miami today to wear my dear trench coat.

Today was cleaning day. And I realized how much I still have to do. We’re always cleaning and rearranging and expunging from our records. I think of how much I’ve changed in the last 4 years, in the last 4 months and wonder, how do I explain who I am to someone new? How do I explain the choices I’ve made? I’ve rearranged myself, my place in the world, my locus with respect to other human beings. I’ve vacuumed my attitude and trimmed my ego and now I’m ready for people that I would have never met years and years ago. I’m open to experiences I would have ignored and life choices I would have scoffed at. So where do I start with myself…

Mental Discourse

I love Miami. In January. When it’s 80 degrees.

I had a fabulous fantasy conversation in my head this week. I mentioned to Rick that I would be going to the beach so naturally, I contemplated what our conversation would be like at workout the next day.
Rick: “How was the beach?”
Me: “Oh it was great. The weather was fabulous, Stef and I had lots of fun, and the water was actually pretty warm. I didn’t even need to knock back a few beers before I got in. And on top of all that, I got a great tan!”
Rick: “I’m glad you had such a good time. But I can’t tell that you are any darker.”
Me: “Well, I’d be glad to show you my tan lines, but I’m not sure its appropriate to strip off my clothing and expose my breasts to someone I don’t know very well. In public no less. [But I’d be glad to give a private showing later.]
Even in my mental discourse, I’m savvy enough to realize that perhaps throwing in that bracketed phrase isn’t entirely appropriate either. Because I can pull off great lines in my head doesn’t mean I’ll replay them during real actual human non-pretend conversation. I’m not sure if that’s a flaw or a godsend.

The cutie that works at Borders café told me that he was “very happy to see [me] again.” I melted.

I feel like I had something good to write about. But it went away.

I love knowing that you’d take care of me. I heart you.