Tom Cruise

Dear: Tom
From: JLM
Re/Ray: You're crazy

Body: Tom, I really wonder what the hell it is you've been reading about psychiatry and anti-depressants. Some Scientology-biased shit? Probably. Cause any intelligent being would support the use of and promote the benefits of therapy and that no, you can't overcome mental issues on your own. And I'm glad you think you "know the history of psychiatry" and are a Ritalin expert. Thats great.

You're an idiot. Thanks.

Daddy, You've Been on My Mind

Daddy, You've Been on My Mind
(Bob Dylan)

Perhaps its the color of the sun cut flat
And covering the crossroad I'm standing at
Or maybe its the weather or something like that
But Daddy, you've been on my mind

I don't mean trouble, please don't put me down or get upset
I am not pleading or saying I can't forget
I do not walk the floor bowed down and bent, but yet
Daddy, you've been on my mind

Even though my mind is hazy and my thoughts they might be narrow
Where you been don't bother me or bring me down in sorrow
It don't even matter to me where you're waking up tomorrow
Daddy, you've just been on my mind

I am not asking you to say words like yes and no
Please understand me, I got no place for you to go
I'm just breathing to myself pretending not that I don't know
Daddy, you've been on my mind

When you wake up in the morning, baby, look inside your mirror
You know I won't be next to you, you know I won't be near
I'd just be curious to know If you can see yourself as clear
As someone who has had you on her mind

Copyright Warner Bros.
DC


I've been rereading Gone With the Wind. Also reading Social Cognition by Fiske and Taylor. I love them both.

Another Conversation

“I’m only in town for another month or so. I’m looking forward to the move, but I’m actually going to miss Miami. I know, right. Well, so if you ever want to hang out or something you should let me know. But don’t say that you will if you don’t have any intention to do so. Its okay either way, just let me know. Okay. Well, just in case I don’t get the chance, I want you to know that I’m sorry. All those times you’d ask me what I was thinking, I should have told you how you overwhelmed me, melted me, and that I was incredibly attracted to you, that I wanted you to know everything, and that you made my stomach leap every time I thought about you. I was just going through a lot and well. I should have told you. It would have been genuine.

You deserve genuine.

And Manhattan absolutely loved you. I’ve never seen her so enamored with someone before or since for that matter.”


…Even if I tried to say it, it wouldn’t sound that good. It wouldn’t be as poetic or if it was, it would sound rehearsed and trite. It’d probably come out sounding like “blahlkghnbvvahhhh.”

And that would suck.

It’s just that, when we realize we’ve missed an opportunity, the feeling like we missed it, where does that come from? Is it that hindsight is 20/20 and you genuinely fucked up? Is it that the thing you think you’ve missed is really just realizing you want it now? Is it that its been so long and you can’t remember but hey its better than nothing, so why not? When do we decide that its right to try and mend the mistake rather then recognizing it and doing better the next time? When do you say I’m sorry rather than nothing at all?

I’ve been away from my philosophy for a while. But I fear that I didn’t treat him like a self-actualized (equal opportunity) independent human being. And I want to make sure I do now.

You oughtta know (acoustic version)

“Hi. Um I know you just called and said you couldn’t make it. Yeah really no problem. But just so you know, I counted and there’s only like 46 days until I move to El Paso. Yeah I know can you believe it? Well, its just that, I’m fine with you not coming over tonight, I understand, really. But I mean that’s only 7 more martini nights and well it doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything really. And I can’t keep throwing my days away (which by the way I’m doing quite marvelously despite my better intentions). You see, I know it has taken a while and I’ve probably been a jerk…But for some reason, I’ve decided that I should have you in my life. And I don’t know about you but five minutes here and there don’t constitute quality time. So, if you want to wait until Sunday, that’s fine. But I’m just letting you know that I want to let you in, and you’ve only got 46 days to be here. So. Thanks. For. Well. I just wanted to say that. Thanks.”

I’ve been stupid and selfish. I got stood up tonight. Granted I don’t wanna date him. So, maybe he’s actually spending time with someone who does. Good for him. It would be selfish of me to deny him that since I’ve denied him thus far. “But for some reason, I’ve decided that I should have you in my life.” Hmm. Arrogant or eccentrically charming? I’m both. Are you cheering for the “You’re right, Sunday isn’t Soon Enough” or “Well isn’t that lovely, how Kind of You to decide you want to spend time with me now?”

B referred to me as a reluctant post modernist traveler. (My apologies if I butchered your phraseology—do write on it soon. It’s my arrogance. I’d like to know what that means.) Apparently I’m quite reluctant to do much that is authentic at the moment. I spent a rather inauthentic weekend in KW, I’ve been inauthentic with my feelings, even my clothing has been inauthentic. And yet, when the moment has called on me to let it all out, it ain’t there. (Oh and just so you know, the breasts, they are still authentic.) I’m a passionate person who Uses herself passionately in imitation love, never finding the genuine article.

Ah. Thank you thesaurus.
gen⋅u⋅ine adj
1. having the qualities or value claimed
2. not affected or pretended
3. honest and open in relationships with others
4. being of unmixed breeding

I currently fit none of the above.

A few months back, someone asked me what I was thinking. Over and over again. I now realize, I should have told him. It would have been genuine. He deserved genuine.

Where do I start to make it right. And with whom. Today I commented that to lock oneself up to finish the past is to miss out on all the future chapters one is bound to write. It’s always fitting when our words to others turn themselves around to us.

“Hip-hop Hip-hop Hip-hop-anonymous”

I tried something new tonight. After grinding my hips into random men this weekend and realizing that it didn’t qualify as dancing, I decided that it was my civic duty to attend the Wednesday night Hip Hop class at the gym. If I went, At least I could say that I shake my ass legitimately. So, I put on my W.W.F.D. (What would Fergie Do) mentality and drove my overworked hips to LAFitness. Let’s get it started. Let’s get it started in here.

Let’s be honest, it took me 8 minutes on the elliptical before I could get myself into the room. I asked myself how many times I had walked into a room, community, or state not knowing a soul. I counted at least 8 in the last four years, found that I could no longer put it off and shimmied my bootah on in the room. I was going to Hip Hop with Jose.

Except it was Hip Hop with Freddie. I wouldn’t know the difference, but I liked the way it sounded. Dancing was harder than I remembered, especially since I’m a good 50 pounds heavier from when I was actually a great dancer. But, it made me realize that I should do it more often. I shoulda been a dancer. My children will dance and sing and make music every day. There’s something incredible about having rhythm in your life. And so I learned some legitimate ass-shaking and got a helluva workout…enough to hold me over in the event that I can’t make it due to an emergency Martini night tomorrow. I love Miami.

Things that make me happy today:
Finding a great friend again.
Reading Wicked.
Manhattan curling up on me.
Watching Lost.
Multi-part emails from CB.
Tropical Depression #1 to soon be Tropical Storm.
A-Rod being the youngest to hit 400 HRs.
Wine. Simply. Wine.

Conch Republic Debauchery Part Deux

"You know what I want/Holding that cup/It's pouring over the sides"

Key West could be seen from the galaxy Saturday night/Sunday morning.